For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Amelia, and I joined…
FINDING JOY IN MOVEMENT WHILE RECOVERING FROM ANOREXIA
Content Warning: This blog post discusses mental illness and eating disorders, namely anorexia nervosa and some of the behaviours associated with it.
Anorexia nervosa is one of the most deadly mental illnesses worldwide, with 5% of patients dying within four years of diagnosis (Mayo Clinic). I was in my third year of restricting my eating when the issue got noticed by a friend and presented to my parents. By this point there had already been some serious damage to my body from both not eating and over exercising. For these three years and probably some before, I used exercise as a way to lose weight and to punish myself for things I deemed ‘bad’ (which now I know, were not by any means bad). I didn’t find joy in movement and thought the only reason to exercise was to lose weight. It got to the point where I was throwing up after pushing myself too far in my swim workouts and not eating all day. This went on for the entire swim season and when brought to the attention of my family doctor by my parents, she immediately referred me to the local Eating Disorder program.
I got accepted into the program in August of 2023 with a team of four medical professionals assigned to me and my family. Heather was the main therapist that worked with me regularly. It is an understatement to say I was VERY reluctant to listen to anything she was telling me even though deep down, I knew what she was saying was right and was in an effort to save me. My parents and sisters regularly attended sessions with me as it was a family based approach, which I think greatly helped us all. I was so determined to ‘stay skinny’ and by doing so continuing to harm my body. After much hard work from myself, my family and Heather, I graduated from the eating disorder program in May of 2024 having developed healthier habits and thoughts towards myself and food. My hang-up though was that I still viewed exercise as something I had to do to ‘keep in shape’ and not as something I found joy in.
Eventually after much self-reflection, reflection on the conversations I had with Heather, along with many extensive conversations with a close friend and my parents, I began to truly feel that my body did not define my worth. This major realization took a while to settle in but led to a healthier view of exercise and with that the further healing of my mind and body. It may seem easy to say ‘your body does not define your worth’ as a piece of advice for people struggling with an eating disorder, but it doesn’t really mean anything until you truly believe it. During my recovery, I ended up making the decision to retire early from competitive swimming. This, as you can imagine, was a major decision for me as swimming was such an important factor of my life and personality. This decision was made easier with the advice of my doctor, Heather, close friend, parents and other therapists.
After making this decision I did not get back in the pool or move my body intentionally for five months as I was still unable to find joy in movement. Along with heavily associating exercise with destroying my body, I could not find any other way to look at physical activity. I realized in order to get back into exercising and actually enjoying it, I was going to have to start small. After being a high performance athlete this was hard because I didn’t feel as though I was doing enough or pushing myself far enough. I had to do a lot of work discussing this with Heather, my therapist and my close friend (who we joke is an unpaid therapist). Through these conversations, I re-learned how to accept and even love myself to the point where I was able to see the small (and what I thought to be easy) workouts as big steps in the right direction. Each week, I would make my workouts a little more difficult by increasing the distance, weight or reps and through that I have been able to work up to where I am now. I am not at my ‘peak’, I am not the strongest I have ever been and I am not running or swimming the distances I used to. But the difference is that I am happy and I am healthy. I am at a place mentally where I can go on a walk and not be hard on myself for not running, instead I am proud of myself for moving my body in a way that felt good for me at that time.
Now it is over a year since I have graduated from the program and to keep my body feeling good and moving, I walk long distances (that I have built up to), I run when I feel like it and I am currently doing a bootcamp once a week with the wonderful Natalie Lehto! (Who was recently named one of Canada’s top trainers, yay Nat!) I am moving my body in ways that feel good at the moment. Yes, I challenge myself, but I do not push my body to the point of destruction. I am finally at peace with exercise and getting excited thinking about it instead of dreading it.
I am proud of how far I have come. Yes, I did a lot of work to get here, but it also took a lot of help from others. Thank you to all the people who have played a role in my journey to health and happiness. I will forever appreciate you more than you know Heather.
Note:
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness and/or an eating disorder, know there is support. Kids Help Phone is one option (Call 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) or text CONNECT to 686868. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to Canadians aged 5 to 29 who want confidential and anonymous care from trained responders) or the Canadian Mental Health Association’s website here.
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